


My Best Friend

by GiaUrsula



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Canon Era, Friendship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Multiple Personalities, Period Typical Attitudes, Psychological Horror, Secret Relationship, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-07-12 12:04:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19945870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GiaUrsula/pseuds/GiaUrsula
Summary: Neil’s relationship with Charlie was complicated. Mainly because he was the only who could see or hear him. Charlie wasn’t leaving and Neil didn’t want him to. Charlie wasn’t going anywhere.





	My Best Friend

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys! Had this sitting in my word for ages, finally got around to finishing it off. 
> 
> This is a short piece which is basically Neil struggling with his feelings for Todd and how Charlie, his other personality and 'friend' pushes him into acting on them. 
> 
> The inspiration behind it is from hearing a Schizophrenic person online describe how sometimes different voices in their head were hard to distinguish from their own so I just started thinking about how that would work and eventually this idea came to light. Although that was my inspiration I wouldn't say that Neil in this is necessarily schizophrenic but he does show signs of it. I didn't make it a specific disorder because I don't feel like the time period it was set in would have a proper name/understanding of it that the characters would know.
> 
> I mean no disrespect to anyone who does have mental health issues and I didn't make this to demonise anyone as I have my own personal experiences with this kind of thing so sorry if I do get it wrong, I sincerely don't want/mean to.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy :)

(Prologue)

Charlie whistled as he swaggered into Todd and Neil’s room. 

‘’Hey Todd.’’ he greeted cheerfully, settling himself down on Neil’s bed. Todd stared at him silently at his desk. 

He frowned, ‘’Something wrong Todd?’’ 

Todd's eyes evaluated him for a moment before he shook his head silently. Charlie wasn’t entirely convinced but he shrugged it off, ‘’Shame what happened to Cameron.’’

He side-eyed Todd, aware and awaiting.

Todd looked at him shocked and Charlie chuckled, ‘’You didn’t hear?’’ 

The other boy swallowed nervously, ‘’Hear what?’’ 

Charlie chuckled and Todd stared at him.

‘’D-did you... did you do something to Cameron?’’ Todd stuttered, dread pooling quickly in his stomach and rising as bile in his throat.

Whatever assurance he wanted died in the sly smirk Charlie gave him.

''Charlie, what did you do?'' Todd asked firmly.

* * *

(A Few Months Earlier)

Neil’s relationship with Charlie was complicated. Mainly because he was the only who could see or hear him. 

Neil would like to say he could recall the exact moment Charlie came into his life but it was difficult to say. He’d always been there since he was a small boy. Many of his friends had talked of their imaginary friends but Neil never outgrew his. It became a source of concern with his parents when he was reaching thirteen and Charlie still hadn’t gone away. They took him to some psychologist but he would still giggle as he watched Charlie make rude gestures and pull funny faces behind the therapist as she spoke. 

Charlie was the one who convinced him to lie. Or it was his own idea. He wasn’t entirely sure. Neil could hear Charlie’s voice in his head just as much as his own so it was hard to distinguish. But he told the therapist Charlie went away and he hadn’t heard from him since. What harm would it do? Charlie was his friend. He wasn’t crazy. Crazy people yell and scream and get violent. Neil wasn’t like that and he certainly didn't belong in a straight jacket in a nut house. 

Sometimes he wondered if Charlie would have gone away had he told the therapist the truth but then he felt guilty knowing he probably heard that. 

Charlie wasn’t leaving and Neil didn’t want him to. Charlie could be annoying but he was his best friend. He’s had him so long he doesn’t know how he’d function without those wry, amusing remarks that made chemistry bearable or all the times he would listen and agree with him when his father acted like an ass. 

Charlie wasn’t going anywhere. 

* * *

‘’Apparently we’re getting a new roommate.’’ Neil said as he unpacked, Charlie remained watching on his bed. 

‘’Yay for us....’’ he drolled, ‘’I just hope we don’t get caught with some square again.’’ 

Neil faltered as he unfolded his pyjama top, ‘’You know... I think we went a little too far with Cameron.’’’ 

Charlie scoffed as Neil knew he would, ‘’He was fine. He wasn’t as allergic as he liked to make out... which is a shame.’’ 

‘'Charlie!’’ even with a lifetime together, it still shocked him when Charlie was capable of saying such malicious things. 

Which he followed which a chuckle, ‘’He was fine. Just a little puffy for a while. Don’t act like he wasn’t the biggest pain in the ass, well apart from your father. He takes that title home every year.’’ 

Neil didn’t respond to that. He could only bad mouth his father when they argued. Any other time and it felt... disloyal or ungrateful. After all his father had made many... 

‘’....many sacrifices for me to be here.’’ Charlie finished tiredly, ’’Yeah we know.’’ 

That was when Cameron appeared at the door asking about group study. 

‘’Jesus christ I thought we got rid of this fucking guy!’’ Charlie moaned, banging his head back against the wall and Neil shared in his frustration. Cameron was extremely irritating. 

‘’Hey I hear you got the new kid. Looks like a stiff!’’ he sneered in such an ugly way, showing no remorse when said new kid shuffled past him beyond an insincere, ‘’Whoops!’’ 

Charlie rolled his eyes and Neil focused on the back of the new figure unpacking his things on the spare bed. 

‘’Don’t worry about Cameron.’' He assured, ‘’He was born with a foot in his mouth if you know what I mean.’’ 

Neil punctuated it with a light tap on the shoulder with his newspaper. That was what prompted the boy to turn around and all the air sucked out of his lungs at once. 

_Oh no._

‘’Oh yes.’’ Charlie appraised eagerly, eyebrows raised into his hairline. Neil tried to ignore him and find his voice. 

‘’Hi. I’m Neil. Neil Perry.’' he greeted in a friendly tone. 

_May as well try to get along with the new guy. We have to share a room for at least the semester._

He held out his hand and the other boy shook it. Neil hated the way he registered the warmth of his hand, the softness of the touch and the smoothness of his skin under his fingertips and the faint fluttering feeling it brought to him. 

‘’Todd Anderson.’' he introduced with a small shy smile, barely able to look him in the eyes. 

He let his hand slip away and Neil coughed, trying to ignore the odd desire to let himself linger. Todd turned and returned to his unpacking. 

While Neil wanted to hide away, Charlie came out to play as he stood circling the blonde haired boy. His eyes tracked all the hard lines of his body, noted the curve of the back of his neck and Neil couldn’t help doing the same. 

Charlie stood so close, his face almost in Todd’s neck. Neil wanted to scream at him to move away but he also wanted Charlie to tell him how he smelt, describe the brush of his hair against his ear and tell him if his neck tasted of salt when you ran your tongue along it. 

Neil shook his head trying to gather himself but Charlie was there ever present. 

‘’This boy is gorgeous!’’ Charlie yelled loudly still circling like a vulture and Neil cringed. 

Neil was used to Charlie yelling random inappropriate things. Most of the time they were hilarious and Neil would be trying to hide hysterical giggles behind a history book but right now it was disturbing. 

Charlie said a lot of weird things but this bordered on something dangerous. Illegal. Not to mention immoral. 

_Boys don’t like boys like that_ , Neil thought sullenly. 

Charlie scoffed, ‘’Yeah they do Neil. You know they do.’’ 

‘’Hey Neil.’’ Meeks greeted, unknowingly a merciful relief. He shot a warning look at Charlie to behave. He rolled his eyes but shut his remarks down to a few casual comments. He didn’t hear Charlie say anything about Todd for the rest of the evening. 

* * *

‘’So how was your first day at Hellton?’’ Neil asked as he unbuttoned his shirt. 

It was close to bed time and they had to get undressed. The silence was rather thick and Neil’s nerves prompted him to start conversation. 

‘’It was okay.’’ Todd answered with a shrug, ‘’A lot to remember.’’ 

Neil chuckled and opened his wardrobe, reaching to the top shelf to get his pyjamas. As he did, the mirror on the inner door gave him a view to the boy undressing behind him. 

A tempestuous little voice told him to take a peak but he focused on dressing into his night shirt. He went to hang up his jumper when he took what was intentioned to be a momentary glance that caught Todd in a new position. 

His shirt was off and Neil couldn’t look away. His shoulders were much broader than expected under those unflattering school blazers. His eyes followed the flex of his muscles from between his shoulder blades as he reached down for his shirt. Neil’s gaze drew from the gradual curve of Todd’s spine until it lingered on his lower back where his trousers now lay slack on his hips. 

A sudden want to drag those trousers down himself to see more snapped an abrupt realisation in him of how invasive and disgusting he was being. He slammed his wardrobe door shut with more force than necessary. 

‘’Are you okay?’’ Todd asked nervously, the room’s single bulb glowing in his blonde hair like a halo on his head. 

Neil chuckled weakly, ‘’Yeah. I guess I was just more tense than I realised.’’ 

Todd nodded slowly taking his excuse and began to continue to get changed. Neil made it a point to change as quickly as he could and shut the wardrobe door, not trusting himself not to look again. 

* * *

It wasn’t often that Neil had alone time. In a boarding school with shared rooms that wasn’t possible. But this Saturday he lingered on his path back to Hellton, staring at the new copy of a poetry book he bought Todd for his birthday. 

He had known Todd for a few months now and he thought they were acquainted enough for him to buy him a present. He wasn’t sure what to choose so he ultimately thought to go for something Todd was almost guaranteed to like. 

Of course Neil had agonised in the store over which book to choose so long the shopkeeper started to keep an eye on him and Charlie screamed in his ear to just pick a book and get it over with. 

‘’I hope he likes it.’’ 

Charlie scoffed, ‘’If it’s from you he’ll like it. He worships you.’’ 

Neil blushed at the comment. It was true that the two had grown close, especially so in such a short time. But there was a natural harmony between them. 

Neil wanted to see Todd grow and he tried to push him out of his comfort zone whilst Todd reassured Neil that he was fine just the way he was. It was something he wasn’t aware he’d needed until he’d received Todd’s praise and he now felt greedy for it. Sometimes away from the other guys, Neil would read out monologues to Todd. It was the quieter moments between them locked away in their rooms that made Neil feel like he could face the world outside. Charlie tended to be quieter in those moments too. 

‘’Is it enough though?’’ 

Charlie smirked, ‘’What’s cooking in that head of yours?’’ 

‘’Maybe... maybe I could write a message? In the book? You know, just a personal note.’’ 

‘’Write him a poem!’’ Charlie yelled excitedly. Neil looked around in the streets for disapproving glances as a reflex, he often forgot that no one else could hear him. 

‘’How could I possibly write something for Todd? Todd’s so... extraordinary when it comes to that stuff. He'd probably think it was horrible.’’ 

‘’You know Todd would love anything you wrote.’’ 

Neil pondered for a moment. ‘’You know, that might not be such a bad idea. I’ll think about it.’’ 

**_‘’Language was developed for one_ ** **_endeavor_ ** **_, and that is - Mr. Anderson? Come on, are you a man or an amoeba?’’_ **

**_Todd remained silent. Mr Keating sensed his discomfort and directed the question to him_ ** **_instead_ ** **_._ **

**_‘’Mr. Perry?’’_ **

**_‘’To communicate.’’ Neil guessed._ **

**_‘’ No! To woo women!’’_ **

**_The comment gathered a few laughs from the other boys who had made it clear they thought poetry served no other purpose._ **

Was poetry just made for wooing women? It certainly wasn’t for wooing men. In fact it was pretty queer of him to think of writing a poem for a guy. 

_So stupid._

‘’And here we go with the thought tailspin.’’ Charlie groaned annoyedly, ‘’Just write him a poem, who cares what anyone else will think.’’ 

‘’The other boys at Hellton for one!’’ Neil snapped back. Charlie became tight lipped and rolled his eyes like he always did when he knew Neil had a point. 

‘’At least leave a note.’’ 

‘’Maybe.’’ He shrugged. 

Later that night began a strained session of writing and rewriting a note only to be scribbled out and tossed in the garbage, Charlie's manic voice in his ears fuelling the manic, unproductive session.

_Words aren't enough._

_Only actions are._

_Actions that can't be taken Charlie_

For the first time all evening Charlie settled down and Neil went to bed feeling frustrated and annoyed, his dreams about a vague golden halo.

* * *

"Truth. Truth is like, like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold." 

Some of the other students had began to laugh at that point and Charlie wanted to scream at them shut up while Neil just stared at Todd too enraptured to even want to acknowledge them. To focus on anything except this amazing boy who had crashed into Neil’s life and thoughts and was now projecting what felt like the narrative of his life. 

‘’Forget them, forget them. Stay with the blanket. Tell me about that blanket.’’ Keating urged, covering Todd’s eyes from the mocking eyes of the outside world once again. 

‘’Y-Y-Y-You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying, it will just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream.’’ 

Todd opened his eyes, staring at his now silent peers. An honest trepidation in his open expression. 

Neil felt a certain enchantment and felicity he wasn’t sure could ever be recreated in a world outside the flowery punch of Todd’s words that felt almost imprinted on his soul. For a moment the intensity was almost too much to bare and he had to remind himself to exhale his baited breath and clap along with his classmates. 

Charlie stared at Neil pityingly. He felt Neil’s rapture in Todd’s poetry fade as an old familiar ache rolled over his heart and thudded the first terrifying acknowledgment of something long buried and denied. 

Now light had pierced Neil, Charlie waited to see if he would stare back at it as unflinchingly as it appeared to him or merely retreat with closed eyes and lost courage. 

* * *

'’That was... stunning Todd.’’ Neil told him earnestly now they were getting closer to their room and further away from their boisterous but well meaning friends. 

Todd shrugged, ‘’Well...’’ 

‘’I mean it.’’ Neil insisted, ‘’You were....’’ _no, not right_ , ‘’... You are incredible.’’ 

Todd stared back at him. It saddened Neil to see the genuine shock Todd expelled simply from a compliment. 

‘’Th-thank you.’’ 

Neil smiled as they entered their room. Todd walked to his bed and loosened his tie. Neil and Charlie’s eyes were drawn to the newly exposed pulse point of Todd’s long, pale neck. The idea of placing little bites and bruises along there lingered in their mind. Just a few weeks ago Neil had accidentally bruised Todd during a rough game of football and found that a dull strike of excitement would always hit him when he laid eyes on it again. One that felt uncomfortable within the boundaries of friendship.

With this in mind, Neil stayed rested against the door staring.

Charlie watched quietly on their bed, he’d been waiting there all evening for the moment they were alone. 

‘’So what do you wanna do?’’ Neil smirked. 

There was a certain implication Neil let hang in the air. One Todd picked on immediately. As expected he chose to adopt a hesitant approach, like a doe hearing the snapped branch in a forest wondering how to proceed.

Neil tilted his head, waiting for an answer. 

‘’You know it’s not late Neil. You can probably still catch the other guys.’’ Todd suggested, not looking him in the eyes as he unbuttoned his shirt. 

Charlie scoffed, ‘’Why would we wanna be anywhere else when we’re with you?’’ 

‘’Why would I wanna be anywhere else when I’m here with you?’’ 

Todd’s fingers faltered around his buttons and with it so did Neil’s courage to continue. 

How could he be so foolish? He was clearly just making Todd uncomfortable and for what? To push boundaries out of some weird misplaced teen rebellion. 

_Don’t you dare backtrack on this_

_Go away Charlie!_

‘'Besides, it’s getting late. Might be good just to read a little before lights out.’’ Neil reasoned. 

Todd took the out, ‘’Makes sense.’’ 

_Oh_ _for god’s sake!_

_Charlie what are you-_

Neil watched as Charlie placed his hand on Todd’s cheek. He could feel the blonde’s soft skin beneath his fingertips but he couldn’t stop the action itself. He felt drawn into the intimacy of a moment that wasn’t entirely his to control. Even now he registered the quick, sharp gasp the touch elicited from Todd. 

The thread between Neil and Charlie only strengthened as he tried to pull away, the further his mind tried to run to separate the two, the more apparent it became a ceaseless battle. It felt like a rope around the neck that would only tighten the more Neil tried to wriggle out of it. 

But even reduced as only a witness, Neil couldn’t contain their flutter of hope as he noticed Todd melting into the touch. He felt like shivering when he felt Todd’s fingers delicately trace the back of the hand against his cheek. 

_This is it Neil._

Charlie surged their lips forward and Neil suddenly found himself kissing the boy of his dreams. 

_All yours._

The tether weakened. Charlie was still there but Neil was back in the driving seat. He treasured he sparks of delight as Todd kissed him back. Shy but curious in a way that was unintentionally so teasing and made Neil feel a little lightheaded. 

He took advantage of his hand on Todd’s cheek to pull him in closer and begin a more passionate approach. The type he’d daydreamed of but scarcely hoped for. Todd opened his mouth eagerly to let Neil kiss him deeper and harder. 

Eventually Todd pulled back leaving Neil to stare nervously. 

He couldn’t help the awkward laugh that fell out of him. Soon enough Todd joined in. 

Neil stroked his thumb against his cheek as he looked at him, concern pooling his brown eyes. 

‘’What’s going on?’’ 

Todd chuckled, ‘’I could ask you the same question.’’ 

‘’I don’t know. I guess...’’ he struggled to describe it. What happened was a new experience. Charlie had never done anything like that before. ‘’... something just came over me.’’ 

‘’Neil I.... I, I’m not. I’ve never done this before.’’ 

‘’Me neither.’’ Neil answered, a little shocked he’d actually managed to do something so reckless. 

_With some of my help of course._

‘’No I don’t mean with... I mean at all.’’ Todd admitted, his face turning scarlet at the confession. 

Neil withdrew his hand and took a step backwards, ‘’Oh.’’ 

He felt a guilty wave of realisation crash over him that he had taken something from Todd. He had taken away a first time that belonged in the arms of a girl. He would haunt the memories of Todd’s life. A shameful part of his past he would feel disgust over when his grandchildren asked if grandma was his first kiss. 

‘’I liked it.’’ 

Todd’s eager voice bordering on desperate brought him out of his darkly swirling thoughts. 

He gave a lopsided grin, invigorated by the small ego boost, ‘’I’m glad to hear it.’’ 

‘’Neil...’’ Todd struggled to get the words out but he persisted, ‘’W-why?’’ 

_Don’t lie to him_

‘’I think I'm falling in love with you.’’ he blurted out, much less elegant than he would have liked and Neil cursed himself.

Todd’s eyes darted to the door and Neil was starkly reminded of where they were and to lower his voice. 

A love confession was meant to be grand. It was meant to be poetic and sweeping and baring your soul in the most raw way possible and Neil had failed. All the ways he had imagined he would profess his love never came to fruition.

Instead it was a clumsy admission spouted with an awkward shaky voice clearly afraid instead of liberated.

‘’Me?’’ Todd asked, disbelief so disgustingly strong. ‘’There’s nothing special about me. I’m not like you or the others, I’m not funny or... I’m just, I’m not...’’ he trailed off pathetically staring down at his feet. 

‘’Yes.’’ Neil affirmed, holding his hand, ‘’Yes you are. Being loud isn’t a personality. All those guys in our classes, they’re fun but they’re not special. Not like you are.’’ 

‘’Neil.’’ he chuckled, clearly embarrassed, ‘’Even my folks-’’ 

_They’re cunts,_ Charlie helpfully contributed from the back of his mind. 

Todd stared at him, abruptly shocked and a little horrified. It was then that Neil came to the horrifying realisation he must have said that out loud. 

‘’Neil...’’ Todd gasped. ‘’They’re my family.’' 

‘’Todd, Jesus, I am so sorry.’’ he apologised sincerely, ‘’I didn’t mean to... it just cuts me up that you don’t realise how amazing you are because of them. All they ever do is praise Jeremy and ignore you. You deserve better than that.’’ 

Todd nodded but still looked apprehensive. 

‘'You understand right?’’ Neil snaked an arm around Todd’s waist and pulled him in close, ‘’I’m sorry I was too harsh.’’ 

Eventually, and much to Neil’s relief, Todd warmed into the hug and wrapped his own arms around him, He gave a sigh, ‘’I get it. I just wish you wouldn’t talk about them like that.’’ 

‘’I won’t.’’ he promises into his neck. 

Todd settled further into the embrace and relief flooded Neil. 

‘’I can’t believe this is happening.’’ Todd smiled. 

Neil pulled back and laughed, capturing Todd’s joyful expression to take with him to the grave. ‘’Neither can I.’’ 

_I can._

_Go away Charlie._

* * *

‘’So when did it start for you?’’ 

As Neil breathed, he felt the back of Todd’s head stick into his upper ribs and the bark against his back begin to scratch through his thin school jumper. It was vaguely uncomfortable but he didn’t want to give up the feeling of the boy of his dreams in his arms so he tolerated it. 

‘’When did what start?’’ Neil asked, deliberately obtuse. 

Todd laughed and looked up at him, ‘’Don’t play dumb Neil you know exactly what I mean.’’ 

Neil drummed his fingers through Todd’s blonde hair. The sunshine gleaning in it made it look so soft that he couldn’t help his compulsion to touch it. 

‘’I guess I would say... first time I laid eyes on you.’' 

‘’Really?’’ Todd squeaked, surprise obvious. 

‘’Well I’m not sure about love but I felt... like I was intoxicated. One of the first things....’’ _Charlie_ , ‘’...I thought was ‘This boy is gorgeous!’.’’ 

‘’Neil!’’ he giggled. 

‘’Still true now.’’ he ruffled his hair, amused as Todd tried to fix it back the way it was before, ‘’How ‘bout you Anderson?’’ 

Todd did that thing where he looked off into distance or at the ground and then shrugged like he always did when he was about to say something he was nervous about or uncomfortable with. 

‘’It was our first meeting for me too.’’ he smiled, ‘’I can’t describe it. When your eyes met mine it felt like someone was seeing me, truly seeing me for the first time. It was both wonderful and absolutely terrifying.’’ 

Neil frowned, ‘’Why terrifying?’’ 

‘’Because I knew those kind of feelings for a boy only led to trouble.’’ 

It wasn’t something they touched upon but they both knew it was true. The two of them had to be very careful. With the cover of roommates, the two of them were allowed much privacy they otherwise wouldn’t have but it was also a double edged sword. Roommates allowed for a certain closeness that at a boarding school could turn to suspicion. It was things the older boys would joke about. The younger years who didn’t know any better away from home for the first time needing to get off. 

But among the older boys it stopped being a joke. It was an insult that could result in broken teeth and flying fists. It was an accusation that could get you taken to the head master’s office and escorted home in shame. 

And those were only the consequences within the school of Hellton. Out there it would be much more grave. Near impossible. 

But Neil couldn’t give this up. He wouldn’t. 

He would have gone through life half awake if Todd had never walked through that door into his life and forced him to feel. To truly understand the words of Shakespeare he longed to perform on stage which he could now evoke from experience rather than imagination. The madness and agony of love possibly being taken and the undeniable enlightenment and joy that radiates from it’s warm glow. 

_We won’t let anyone take this from us_ , Charlie reassured him. 

Neil nodded, _No. We won’t_

With this thought still fresh in his mind Neil glowered as he noticed Cameron approaching them, his eyes too curious as they evaluated Todd’s head on his chest and Neil’s fingers in his hair. 

‘’Erm hey guys...’’ He greeted, looking at them strangely. 

Todd sat up quickly and Neil’s hand slipped to his shoulder. Charlie didn’t feel the need to move it so he didn’t. 

‘’Hey Cameron.’’ Todd greeted, much too polite to pass as casual. His smile a little too wide. ‘’What’s up?’’ 

‘’Well we were going to watch the boat race that’s starting soon. Meeks told me to come get you guys.’’ 

‘’Sounds good, right Neil?’’ 

‘’Hmm, I kind of like where we are.’’ Charlie moaned rather insolent. 

Todd and Cameron exchanged a look at the unexpected response from Neil. 

‘’Well... the offer’s there if you want it. Starts in ten minutes though so I wouldn’t suggest waiting too late.’’ 

With that Cameron scurried off, his eyes still darting back to them until he left their sight. 

‘’Neil that was rude.’’ Todd admonished. 

Neil shrugged, ‘’Could have been more polite but we’ve always hated him.’’ 

‘’We? Who’s we?’’ 

Neil shook his head. Todd was right, _who was we supposed to mean_. 

‘’Sorry. You’re right, I’ll apologise to him later.’’ 

Todd looked down at his lap uncomfortable and it struck a chord of panic in Neil. 

‘’Todd...’’ 

‘’Sometime it’s like you’re two different people. I think I know you and then you just say something unexpected I didn’t think you were capable of.’’ 

_Goddamn_ _it_ _Charlie_

‘’Todd, I can trust you with anything... right?’’ 

_You’re really_ _gonna_ _tell him?_

_You really haven’t given me much choice here so shut up and let me handle things now._

Charlie went reluctantly went silent and Neil was grateful. 

‘’Of course you can.’’ Todd assured him, nothing but adornment in his eyes, ‘’You can tell me anything.’’ 

Neil smiled, ‘’Later. Let’s go to that boat race before it starts. We don’t want to miss it.’’ 

They stood and began walking, the backs of their hands grazing daringly before they would be in front of others and had to restrain themselves. 

* * *

‘’I’m telling you-’’ 

‘’Hey guys!’’ Knox greeted, interrupting the heated whisperings Neil and Todd only vaguely heard as they approached their group of friends. 

Neil felt a jolt of panic at the suspicious, resentful stare of Cameron. He tempered this down by seeing the sincerely joyous expressions of Knox, Meeks and Pitts. Whatever Cameron tried to sell them, they clearly weren’t buying. 

‘’Hey Knox, didn’t miss anything?’’ Neil asked, bright as always. 

‘’Nah.’’ his friend assured, making room for Neil and Todd to join them in the crowded gathering at the edge of the lake where the race would begin. ‘’Hasn’t started yet.’’ 

In all honesty Neil didn’t care much for the boat race. He would have rather spent his summer day under a tree with Todd in his lap but staying behind would have given Cameron an entire afternoon to play a persuasive ear. 

Cameron wasn’t charismatic but he was relentless when he felt he had a point to make. The guys would laugh and shrug off his concerns but if it persisted long enough then a tiny seed of doubt would be planted in their minds. A seed was enough to grow into something deadly no matter how small. Suspicion was enough to make even the most level headed person to search for things that aren’t there, so the inspection of someone with actual secrets would uncover them eventually. 

Neil tried to focus on the race but all he could feel were Cameron’s eyes darting between him and Todd. He attempted to ignore it but even Knox appeared to wonder what the hell Cameron’s deal was. 

Neil loosened the tie around his neck and tried to breath. 

_What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?_

_He’s going to tell everyone. He’s going to tell_ _everyone_ _and eventually they’ll believe him._

_Everyone will know. Our friends. The school. Our parents._

_My dad...._

_Let me handle it Neil._

_But Charlie...._

_You want it gone?_

Neil stared at the boy beside him he was risking everything for. These gentle palms that held his heart in his hands and treasured something worth very little. An unaware genius the world couldn’t be deprived of, words so beautifully woven made to be read and connected. More importantly the only light that had prevailed in Neil’s life that had previously consisted of living in a grey mist. 

_Yes_ _I do_

_Then it’s done._

**Author's Note:**

> And that was that, hope you liked it. I tried to be a bit more prose like in this to reflect the inspiration of theatre and Shakespeare in Neil's way of thinking (since it's sort of in his POV) but idk how well that worked.
> 
> Let me know what you guys think, comments and feedback are always appreciated :)


End file.
